As a little child.

Gosh. Over a month! This is why I don't blog.

I've been spending a fair bit of time lately thinking about the requirement to become "as a little child" if we are to inherit the kingdom of God. A lot of that time has been spent wondering what that entails. What does it mean to become as a little child?

So, I've been thinking about children. I joked with my mother today that it means I can be irreverent, loud, mean, stubborn... Of course I know that's not what it means, but sometimes I wonder about kids these days... Ok, I digress.

I've been feeling a lot lately that I *feel* a lot like a little child these days. Totally helpless. Totally relying on a power greater than myself to just get through the day. I've felt reliant on a higher power to lead me when it seems like the path that I'm walking is too hard to find, even when I'm crawling on my hands and knees.

Of course, there IS someone to lead and guide us. Someone to walk beside us, and carry us when necessary. I should throw in here that I'm very grateful, lately, for the power of the priesthood and the blessings that it gives us in our lives.

So, what does it mean to be as a little child, in the real sense? I don't have children, yet. Hopefully in the near future, that will be something I can look forward to. But I've been trying to think about what it means to be a child, from my perspective. For Christmas, I was given a book "I am a Child of God." It's a book of artwork by Greg Olsen accompanied by thoughts by Wendy and Michael Nelsen. As I look through it, it reminds me of what it means to be childlike - in the good way.

I think the biggest thing that's struck me about being childlike lately is trust. Mostly, I guess, because it's been hard for me. It's hard to trust that someone knows better than you, especially when it's contrary to what you want. It's hard to be told "son, I know this is what you want right now, but trust me - I have something better in store for you." I guess even as a child I struggled with that concept. Sometimes it was enough to be told something, but I've been known to be pretty demanding. "Why?" is something that I've asked many, many times. And, I've been told more than once "because I'm your mother, and because I say so."

Still, that was all it took many times. Sure, my curiosity still made me furrow my brow - trying to figure out what my mom knew that I didn't. Often, I found out later as I learned and grew. But, sometimes, like children, we just have to accept that someone who cares about us knows more than we do, and indeed sees the whole picture. Unlike our mortal parents who could steer us slightly astray periodically, our heavenly parents have the luxury of seeing the big picture and would not, could not point us in the wrong direction. Still, it takes a lot of faith, sometimes.

So, then, I guess that with that trust comes faith. Well, trust IS faith. "Heavenly father, I trust that you're going to lead me to my greatest happiness, so I'm going to do what you tell me to do, regardless if I'm left wondering why."

Sometimes, though, we do go against what we are told we should do. Everybody does. Which takes me to another point about being childlike. When we are very young, where do we go when we get hurt? Who are the first people we run to? When we got over ambitious about running somewhere and we'd fall and skin our knees, we'd run for our parents, seeking their comfort and love.

I know in my life, when I've been overanxious and ran too fast for my own good, I've skinned up my knees plenty of times. And, I'm not happy to report that not only did I not always run to my heavenly parents, sometimes I'd actually wonder why they let me get into this kind of trouble in the first place. Instead of turning to the ultimate source of comfort, I'd try to find it elsewhere. When did I stop relying on my parents to hug & kiss me and "make it better?"

And, not just my parents! When did I stop turning to my brother when the kids at school picked on me? When I was tasked with something I didn't feel like I could do on my own, did I ask for his help to carry the burden? Or, did I just get grumpy and wonder why nobody was helping me? I think in gaining our independence, we can ultimately lose sight of how we've gotten where we are in the first place.

So, then, in addition to having faith and trust in One who knows more than us, we should also know where to turn when we may go astray from the course laid before us. We should trust, as children, that our heavenly family can and will comfort us in our time of need, if we'll just have the childlike humility to seek them in our hour of need.

In order to avoid typing all night, I'm gonna cut this off for now, and hopefully come back to it later.