As a little child.

Gosh. Over a month! This is why I don't blog.

I've been spending a fair bit of time lately thinking about the requirement to become "as a little child" if we are to inherit the kingdom of God. A lot of that time has been spent wondering what that entails. What does it mean to become as a little child?

So, I've been thinking about children. I joked with my mother today that it means I can be irreverent, loud, mean, stubborn... Of course I know that's not what it means, but sometimes I wonder about kids these days... Ok, I digress.

I've been feeling a lot lately that I *feel* a lot like a little child these days. Totally helpless. Totally relying on a power greater than myself to just get through the day. I've felt reliant on a higher power to lead me when it seems like the path that I'm walking is too hard to find, even when I'm crawling on my hands and knees.

Of course, there IS someone to lead and guide us. Someone to walk beside us, and carry us when necessary. I should throw in here that I'm very grateful, lately, for the power of the priesthood and the blessings that it gives us in our lives.

So, what does it mean to be as a little child, in the real sense? I don't have children, yet. Hopefully in the near future, that will be something I can look forward to. But I've been trying to think about what it means to be a child, from my perspective. For Christmas, I was given a book "I am a Child of God." It's a book of artwork by Greg Olsen accompanied by thoughts by Wendy and Michael Nelsen. As I look through it, it reminds me of what it means to be childlike - in the good way.

I think the biggest thing that's struck me about being childlike lately is trust. Mostly, I guess, because it's been hard for me. It's hard to trust that someone knows better than you, especially when it's contrary to what you want. It's hard to be told "son, I know this is what you want right now, but trust me - I have something better in store for you." I guess even as a child I struggled with that concept. Sometimes it was enough to be told something, but I've been known to be pretty demanding. "Why?" is something that I've asked many, many times. And, I've been told more than once "because I'm your mother, and because I say so."

Still, that was all it took many times. Sure, my curiosity still made me furrow my brow - trying to figure out what my mom knew that I didn't. Often, I found out later as I learned and grew. But, sometimes, like children, we just have to accept that someone who cares about us knows more than we do, and indeed sees the whole picture. Unlike our mortal parents who could steer us slightly astray periodically, our heavenly parents have the luxury of seeing the big picture and would not, could not point us in the wrong direction. Still, it takes a lot of faith, sometimes.

So, then, I guess that with that trust comes faith. Well, trust IS faith. "Heavenly father, I trust that you're going to lead me to my greatest happiness, so I'm going to do what you tell me to do, regardless if I'm left wondering why."

Sometimes, though, we do go against what we are told we should do. Everybody does. Which takes me to another point about being childlike. When we are very young, where do we go when we get hurt? Who are the first people we run to? When we got over ambitious about running somewhere and we'd fall and skin our knees, we'd run for our parents, seeking their comfort and love.

I know in my life, when I've been overanxious and ran too fast for my own good, I've skinned up my knees plenty of times. And, I'm not happy to report that not only did I not always run to my heavenly parents, sometimes I'd actually wonder why they let me get into this kind of trouble in the first place. Instead of turning to the ultimate source of comfort, I'd try to find it elsewhere. When did I stop relying on my parents to hug & kiss me and "make it better?"

And, not just my parents! When did I stop turning to my brother when the kids at school picked on me? When I was tasked with something I didn't feel like I could do on my own, did I ask for his help to carry the burden? Or, did I just get grumpy and wonder why nobody was helping me? I think in gaining our independence, we can ultimately lose sight of how we've gotten where we are in the first place.

So, then, in addition to having faith and trust in One who knows more than us, we should also know where to turn when we may go astray from the course laid before us. We should trust, as children, that our heavenly family can and will comfort us in our time of need, if we'll just have the childlike humility to seek them in our hour of need.

In order to avoid typing all night, I'm gonna cut this off for now, and hopefully come back to it later.

Victory at all costs...

There are times when the road seems long, and the battle hard. Discouragement comes so easily, yet is so hard to push away. Oft we feel like the very jaws of hell do gape open after US. We are in battle - a battle for our souls. A battle that will be fought until, at last in the strength of the Lord, we come forth victorious. There are times (this past week was one for me) when the notion that "The whole fury and might of the enemy must very soon be turned on us." (Churchill) rings so very true in my ears.

When Winston Churchill was first appointed Prime Minister, he delivered a very powerful speech to the House of Commons. I've not posted the whole thing, but this part, in particular, helps me to find strength and motivation. I've clipped out a couple pieces, but largely left it intact.

"We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I can say: It is to wage war ... with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; ... That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: It is victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be; ... But I take up my task with buoyancy and hope. I feel sure that our cause will not be suffered to fail among men. At this time I feel entitled to claim the aid of all, and I say, "come then, let us go forward together with our united strength."

Inspiration and Answers

There's an adage that says that luck happens when opportunity meets preparedness. I decided tonight that inspiration (and answers) can happen when preparedness meets need.

In seminary, we learn "scripture mastery" scriptures. While all being good scriptures, and also dealing probably in part with core principles, I always wondered what went into the selection of them. It wasn't until years later, when struggling to get my life back on track, that I would periodically remember or think of scriptures that would be appropriate to the trial I was having. Many times, the scriptures I thought of were those that I had learned in high school in my seminary classes.

Tonight, I found myself frustrated. I felt like I was doing everything that I was supposed to be doing, but I still felt like I wasn't feeling the spirit the way I should be. I didn't understand why I wasn't feeling better. I was genuinely trying my best, shouldn't I feel better than I did? This came after several days of feeling blah and not feeling like I thought I should, considering my sincerity in doing what was right.

While I was feeling that way, I envisioned a conversation with a friend, where I told the friend that I felt like I was "brickwalling" and not feeling good or making progress. I started laughing immediately once I thought of this. Why? Several days ago, I read The Last Lecture. One of the things that Mr. Pausch said was "brick walls are there to test how badly we want something." It made sense. I felt like what I was experiencing was a test of my faith. I was experiencing a test to see just how badly I wanted to do what was right. Would I continue to do what I should, holding out in faith that I would be rewarded?

So, then, by having sought wisdom by reading a good, healthy book, I prepared myself in my moment of need to remember that statement, and to be able to apply it in my life. I think that it's just so with inspiration. The more good things we ingest, the easier things can come to us when we need them. Had I not read previously this comment made by Mr. Pausch, I would possibly had not made so easily the connection between why I was feeling the way I was. Certainly, my "brick wall" wouldn't have been immediately correlated with a test of how bad I wanted to do what was right.

I don't think that inspiration can ONLY come through things we've read or otherwise ingested into our conscious, I think this is merely one more vessel for the Lord to speak to us and to instruct us. It stands to reason, then, that the more we fill our minds with good things, the more easily we will be able to remember and utilize those things we've learned in our hour of need.

Did everything become better upon this discovery? No, but I now realize that this is one more test of my own faith, to continue to "go and do" even when I don't feel immediately rewarded for it.

The Gratitude Project

Well, it's no surprise to me that there are other projects out there by this same name. But, that's ok. This is my own personal project, so I'll call it what I will. :) What is my Gratitude Project? I'll tell you...

While reading The Last Lecture, the late Randy Pausch talked about showing gratitude. One thing he mentioned, specifically, was how hand-written thank you notes were generally more highly regarded than any other form. I got to thinking about when the last time I wrote a card in such a fashion. It's been a good, long while... In fact? I'm not even sure that I can point to the last time. Definitely sometime during my teenage years - if not earlier. It's kind of a sad remark on the current state of affairs in my life.

So, I've decided to get a handful of Thank You cards with the intent of finding at least one person/group a week to express gratitude to. It doesn't have to be something done during the week, either. It can even be a long (possibly?) forgotten act of kindness someone showed some time ago. A friend mentioned it would be a bit like pay it forward, only I suppose this is kind of paying backward. (I've never seen the movie, so I can't really comment on that aspect.) But, I'm hoping that it will bring me to a fuller awareness of what other people do for me, or even for others. I'm frequently grateful for what people do for OTHER people, so even that applies.

In any case, I'm excited and a bit nervous about the whole idea. In any case, it should be interesting, and I'll probably bring my project results back here later.

Regarding Perfection

To be perfect, one can turn to many areas as a starting place. He or she must become the perfect husband, the perfect wife, the perfect father, the perfect mother, the perfect leader, the perfect follower. The way to perfection seems to be a changing of one’s life—to substitute the good for the evil in every case. Changes can come best if we take one item at a time.

-Spencer W. Kimball

June 1979 Liahona

Humility

In Sunday School yesterday, (ok, day before yesterday, apparently I wrote this after midnight) we read Ether 12:27. It was only a small part of the lesson (which wasn't based in Ether) but it stood out to me. Probably in part that the scripture is a scripture mastery one from seminary.

It goes...
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

Recently, I've been trying to improve in some of my weaknesses. I've also met with some frustration and wondered why things weren't going better. Fault finding, for one, is something I've been really striving to be better at. But it wasn't identifying or being shown my weaknesses that was interesting to me.

I realized as I read this that I frequently will rely on myself in overcoming my weaknesses. I figure that it's my problem, I should be able to sort it out. Furthermore, sometimes someone will suggest something and I get the attitude of "well, that's nice for you or them or whomever, but I think my way will work just fine." I can definitely look back and see that as a pattern in my life.

A couple days ago, I read a part of an article by President Ezra Taft Benson given in the May 1989 Ensign. He says:

"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

"Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)

"Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled. (See Alma 38:12; 3 Ne. 12:30.)

"The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives." (Emphasis added.)

Since humility is the antithesis of pride, it stands to reason, then, that Ether essentially was saying that we need to trust in the Lord entirely in order for our weaknesses to become stengths. So, then, my unwillingness to do the small and simple things that some people suggest is just pride getting in my way.

Another scripture mastery verse teaches this same principle. Proverbs 3:5-6 says: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

Here, then, is the key to overcoming weaknesses. This discovery has already improved my life. Just understanding this one thing has made me feel better - has helped me find humility and helped me be a happier person. For as Proverbs 3:13 says "Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding."

Regarding Temple Marriage

"Any of you would go around the world for the sealing ordinance if you knew its importance, if you realized how great it is. No distance, no shortage of funds, no situation would ever keep you from being married in the holy temple of the Lord."

-Spencer W. Kimball

Eliza's Wish

I'm not sure how I first came across elizaswish.org but I've stopped by a couple times. While there, I read this quote by Orson F. Whitney that I recorded, and present here.

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God... and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven."

It's a pretty strong statement. For me, the part about enduring patiently is probably the hardest.

It reminds me of a scripture I read a couple nights ago that really stood out. It's Mosiah 27:21

"21 And he caused that a multitude should be gathered together that they might witness what the Lord had done for his son, and also for those that were with him."

What was interesting to me about this verse is specifically the way it was worded. Alma rejoiced and gathered together people to witness what had been done FOR his son. Granted, Alma the younger experienced a life-changing experience and went on to bless many, many people. But the word "for" still really is interesting to me.

Most of us, when enduring trials, (myself included) frequently wonder "why is this happening TO me?" instead of being grateful that our trials are happening FOR us. I have a really hard time with this, but I hope that I can focus more on what's happening FOR me to build me up as a better person. And if I can focus more on enduring patiently, I can receive all the blessings that Orson Whitney spoke of.

Where do we go from here?

My last blog was called "Trivial Pursuits." haha I realize that's a kinda sad name. I could have called it "The Pursuit of That Which Doesn't Matter." But, in large part, that is the content of it. So, with this one, I think I'd like to record some things that aren't, to me, very trivial.

They probably aren't very ground breaking, and Heaven knows that I'm not one to stick with something like this for very long, but we'll see what happens. The name "Hope Hiding" comes from a Michael McLean album. Hopefully he won't beat me down.

I probably won't have a whole lot of personal thoughts up here, but will mostly collect stuff that I find interesting, inspiring, or whatever. I suppose I could have called this "Not-So-Trivial Pursuits" but... I didn't.

I've been reading "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. It's got some good stuff in there. One thing in there jumped out at me. Apparently he had a football coach that was pretty rough on him. After a particularly painful practice, an assistant coach came to him and said something that stuck with him for life. "When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you any more, that means they've given up on you." Mr. Pausch made the following remarks about it. "When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and are about you, and want to make you better."

I have friends like that. And sometimes it's bitter medicine, but I'm glad they don't give up on me.